How a 4 Month Hiatus To New York Turned Into a Search of Self-Discovery
BY ALAINA WHITE
Detroit Photographer Alaina White is proof that sometimes you don’t have to travel to a new country to experience something foreign. Her story to enlightenment inspires us to search for meaning within ourselves by shifting our environment and perspective.
Being in art school made me feel like I was visiting a new country. I had to learn a new language, consume the food, adopt a new way of seeing and thinking, and, most of all, experience a culture shock that I don’t believe ever subsided. On top of all that, I had to be excellent.
I had to be excellent, even though I was seeing and learning things that I’d never been exposed to before. I had to be great, even though I was not given a chance to make the mistakes necessary to get there. This pressure I felt turned my unadulterated curiosity into some of the world’s worst anxiety and immense dread I’d ever experienced in my entire life.
In the midst of it all, I was grieving failed relationships, living in close quarters with a roommate that I could not trust, faced with physical ailments that no doctors could source, and was ultimately left to question my entire being. I was heartbroken and fighting to keep it together in the face of my peers. But I couldn’t fight hard enough. Completely exhausted, I slipped into a deep depression that ended up claiming my life- despite there being breath in my lungs.
My room became my cemetery. My bed, the very grave I laid in. The arms and hands I used to fight with now laid at my side- still and lifeless. The eyes that once had a vision, now blinded by hopelessness.
The only thing that I had left to hold onto was the community of my church home, The Ark Detroit. The words of my big brother and Pastor, all in one, rang loudly in my heart when I couldn’t hear anything else.
SO, I HELD ON TIGHT -THEN A FLICKER OF LIGHT APPEARED.
In the summer of 2019, I get a call from my sister, who asked me to come to New York to be her Nanny for her three little boys as she performed as Mama Morton in the longest-running Broadway play ever, CHICAGO. She was in a pinch, and seemingly so, I was the only one who was available to help. I agreed to come to help out, and those next four months would change the trajectory of my entire life.
Spending the entire day in bed? No longer an option- I had to be up with the kids by 6:45 am. Completely isolating myself from the world? That couldn't work either because I was a live-in nanny. There was no personal space at all. Even my words and actions were being held under a microscope. I hadn't lived with my older sister in over ten years, and it was clear that she was trying to figure me out. I was being exposed.
A 15-minute walk to the Path train into the city was the only time I had to myself- and everything I didn't know I needed. The rush of the crowd coming up from the stairs of the subway moved me. The smell of the trains swishing by, tantalizing. The adrenaline I felt reaching for my MetroCard, addictive. I never really knew where I was going, but I was proud to be going somewhere—doing something. Just a few months back, simply getting out of bed took every bit of strength I had.
Photography by Alaina F. White
Walking the streets of the city was such a breath of fresh air. My eyes were opened to new sights, colors, lines, and unique textures. Architecture that had real character was captivating. Getting to my favorite Yin Yoga class became vital in my pursuit of the day, and people watching for style inspiration had become my best-kept secret. I was getting stronger, seeing clearer, loving easier. After those long walks, the time having spent with my family created a bond that could never be broken. I was being transformed from the inside out- every day.
Every month that passed brought me closer to the realization of why I was sent to New York. Learning just to be me without any pretense was a true lesson that I needed to learn. Realizing that having people around me is extremely conducive to my mental health caused me never to want to be alone again. And if New York taught me anything, it taught me how to move. It taught me how to move quickly in the face of adversity- to move from despair into wholeness-to move from stagnation into flow. I was sent to New York to grow. I was sent to heal, and I’m doing just that.
Now that I am back home, my pursuit of healing remains steady and constant. A great sense of purpose has returned to me. There is a newfound sense of renewal that I feel and will continue to pursue. Despite the hard days, the rollercoaster of emotions, and even all the times I’ve wanted to give up believing in my progress, I am comforted in knowing that I have come such a long way in such little time. I’m closer to healing now, more than I’ve ever been. All thanks to that trip to New York.
